On the latest episode of True Tori, Dean McDermott, 44, admits to a really dark time in his life: the cheating husband considered suicide after two-timing his wife. The turmoil caused quite a strain on their marriage, especially when news broke of the scandal nationally. Although both parties attended therapy, McDermott's infidelity still made him feel like "Tori deserves me to die."

Tori Spelling Hospitalized Amid Cheating Scandal, Husband Brings Her Food

Tori Spelling, 40, said she had honestly "already shut down because I just feel like I want to protect him... I feel how anxious he is. I can't express myself because it's gonna make him worse," reported Daily News on April 30.

Despite the pain Spelling is obviously in on the show, it seems like she still cares a great deal for her husband. After news broke of the extramarital affair, McDermott suffered a nervous breakdown. Seplling was more concerned for her husband's mental health than for her own heartbreak.

"I don't want to send him spiraling, so I am scared," she revealed. "I'm scared to show him how angry I am."

She had revealed on Us Weekly, "He cheated on me. One of my worst fears came true... On some level I never thought it would really happen."

For his part, McDermott admitted that he "wanted to disappear" in the days leading up to his breakdown. Ransacked with guilt and shame he said:

"I didn't want to feel what I was feeling all the time. I just thought, 'This is it. You can't get out of this. I blew it. Everything great in my life, I s--- on.' I just thought, 'Tori deserves me to die.'"

As for admitting all this on camera? At first Spelling was not okay with it, but McDermott admitted chose to be honest.

"You can't understand. You can't understand what I went through that day. Someone cheating on you. And then hearing your husband was going to take his life. That was not something I thought needed to be addressed or talked about. That was so scary," Spelling said.

McDermott admitted that although he entertained suicidal thoughts, he was committed to not taking his life.

"My life means a lot to me right now," he confessed. "Where it didn't for so many, many years ... My life means something because I'm getting the help that I need, and I'm surrounded by love and support, and for the longest time, I didn't deserve it and I'm just getting a little glimmer that I do deserve it ... I know I don't deserve to die. I deserve to live."

Despite her heartbreak, turmoil and tragedy, Spelling has not divorced McDermott because "there are children involved." They have four kids: Liam, 7, Stella, 5, Hattie, 2, and Finn, 20 months. "For their sakes, I need to try to figure this out."

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Tags: True Tori Dean McDermott Tori Spelling