Chrissy Teigen is sharing more details about the tragedy of losing her son Jack at 20 weeks pregnant.
She never really hid anything about it, but only through social media. This time in a whole essay, she divulged more about the emotional turmoil she and husband John Legend were thrusted into after the miscarriage.
Saying Goodbye To Jack
In an essay posted on Medium--which cannot be described in any way but heartbreaking--the model and cookbook author shared what it was like being diagnosed "with partial placenta abruption," recounting her emotions and thoughts the moment "it was time to say goodbye" to her baby the next day because the doctors could no longer do anything.
"We had tried bags and bags of blood transfusions, every single one going right through me like we hadn't done anything at all," Teigen wrote. "Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness."
Like most people grieving, recalling the day of losing the loved one is still as painful. "Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again," she wrote. "Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness," referring to the first IG photo she shared the moment she lost Jack.
In hindsight, Chrissy knew keeping the baby would have been quite the miracle because of her her partial placenta abruption. With that condition, Teigen wrote that the doctors knew Jack would have never survived. Telling her to undergo a complete bed rest was just a way to help the fetus make it to the "safer" zone of 28 weeks. If the baby is able to reach that time,Teigen would've received epidural so she can be induced to deliver already.
Unfortunately, the baby only reached 20 weeks before Teigen started bleeding excessively, leading to an emergency hospital visit.
John Legend's Reaction on Taking Miscarriage Pictures
When she miscarried, she did not hide it. In no time at all, fans already knew from her about the tragedy. Chrissy explained what she and Legend were feeling in an IG post, complete with a black and white photo of her crying.
Majority of the fans rushed to the comments section to comfort her, but there were some who took the time to bash her for even taking pictures of the sad day and posting on social media--accusing her of caring more about her Instagram than the baby she lost.
Teigen wrote about the whole thing now in her essay, not defending herself, but defending Legend.
View this post on InstagramWe are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we've never felt before. We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn't enough. . . We never decide on our babies' names until the last possible moment after they're born, just before we leave the hospital. But we, for some reason, had started to call this little guy in my belly Jack. So he will always be Jack to us. Jack worked so hard to be a part of our little family, and he will be, forever. . . To our Jack - I'm so sorry that the first few moments of your life were met with so many complications, that we couldn't give you the home you needed to survive. We will always love you. . . Thank you to everyone who has been sending us positive energy, thoughts and prayers. We feel all of your love and truly appreciate you. . . We are so grateful for the life we have, for our wonderful babies Luna and Miles, for all the amazing things we've been able to experience. But everyday can't be full of sunshine. On this darkest of days, we will grieve, we will cry our eyes out. But we will hug and love each other harder and get through it. A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on Sep 30, 2020 at 8:58pm PDT
According to Teigen, documenting it was crucial for her. She's not the person to just keep stock of positive things happening to her, but also the negative. She said that the memory of losing Jack was as important as all the other important but happy moments in her life.
Legend did not want to take the picture, but he did it because he knew it was important for her.
"He hated it. I could tell," Teigen said. "It didn't make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after [son Miles Theodore, 2, and daughter Luna Simone, 4½]. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story."
As for the haters who cannot keep their opinions to themselves, Teigen said she could not express enough how much she does not care about them.
Teigen's essay is long but full of things moms and couples who might have gone through the same thing to learn. She posted it on her IG as well.
View this post on InstagramI didn't know how to come back to real life so I wrote this piece for Medium with hopes that I can somehow move on but as soon as I posted it, tears flew out because it felt so....final. I don't want to ever not remember jack. . . Thank you to everyone who has been so kind. Thank you to the incredible doctors who tried so hard to make our third life a reality. Thank you to my friends and family and our entire household for taking care of me through all the adult diaper changes, bed rest and random hugs. Thank you John for being my best friend and love of my life. A lot of people think of the woman in times like this but I will never forget that john also suffered through these past months, while doing everything he could to take care of me. I am surrounded, in a human therapy blanket of love. I am grateful and healing and feel so incredibly lucky to witness such love. A post shared by chrissy teigen (@chrissyteigen) on Oct 27, 2020 at 2:01pm PDT